When the Desire meets Faith...
For years I feared praying for marriage, though I always wanted to be married, because I feared I would be tarrying hours in prayer and agonizing in my heart over something that might never come, or might take dreadfully longer than I would like it to. I saw it as an Either/Or equation... It's either God's will regardless of how badly I want it or pray for it, or it isn't meaning every plead and prayer would be wasted time and tears. This kind of thinking is human reasoning at it's finest... and that goes for anything - healing, deliverance, blessing, or promise. It's a bridge no stretch of human logic can cross, but that's the whole point of FAITH. It isn't supposed to make sense because if it did, faith wouldn't be required or be given the opportunity to prove itself efficient. There is no either this or that - there is only "All things are possible, Only believe"..
And Scripture backs this:
And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
- John 14:13
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
- Hebrews 11:6
So, let me list off some of my rationales and insecurities for the sole purpose of watching them shrink in the Light of the Word of my God:
- If God wanted me to be married, I would be married already. Therefore, God wants me to be single.
- Every man who tries to pursue me never seems to be in the right place in his life spiritually, so I will never attract or find a man who is both fully interested in me and spiritually ready to be a godly husband.
- I'm too old. There are good ones, but none that are 26 or older.
- I'm ugly. (Super shallow, I know, but I'd be lying if I said this one doesn't hit sometimes).
- I've done too much immoral sin for a godly man to ever accept me, trust me, or want to be with me. He may like what he sees, but the second he knows the truth about me, he'll walk away.
- My character is too horrible, God can't pair me with someone because He wouldn't do that to one of His sons.
- I ruined my chances. Perhaps there was a time God was prepping me for marriage but I ruined it by making too many wrong choices and getting involved with the wrong potentials.
You get my point.
Now, its has... been... a... journey..... And not to quote some cheesy early 2000's love song, but I'm a gallery of broken hearts, or at least that's how it feels. But who cares how it feels. Down underneath all that I am, and all that I have going for myself, and the mountains and valleys I've had to cross to get to this point in my life (many of which have included immoral mistakes and relationships with the wrong people) is a heart that truly and profoundly desires a godly male companion to share in this life with. Why have I been running from truly and correctly praying from this for so long? Why have I been so afraid to step out on faith and really believe that this can happen for me?
I don't have those answers quite yet, but what I do know is that now in 2020, desire has met faith and those two are getting married in a time and way that I did not expect.
The stories are too long and personal to detail in a public blog, but I just want to say for all who have ever made a mistake or been in a relationship with a Mr. Almost Right (or a Mr. Looked Right but was Totally Wrong)... that from the depths of my heart I would not trade those experiences for anything in the world. Even though they are the experiences that fuel the insecurities of my past that threaten to hinder me from being able to get married, I STILL wouldn't trade them. Why? Because before I gave Mr. Almost Right my heart for a while, I didn't know that the "Almost" part would later manifest as a backslidden life - his for sure, and eventually, mine too. I didn't know that "Almost" would have been me in an abusive relationship states away from my parents with no support and no where to go. I didn't know that "Almost" would have been me with three children, and some not my own, having to co-parent with a man who doesn't even have the first concept of a family altar.
It's unfortunate I am this slow and this stubborn, but "Almost" means "Almost"... not ALL of what God has for you, perhaps most of it, sure, but the part missing is just enough to make you miserable for the rest of your life. Sure, there was attraction, chemistry, happiness, good times in every "Almost" scenario, and probably would have been throughout a long married life.... but what would also be there is the current unhappiness, or poor spiritual conditions that I now see in some of their current wives. Some of them are actually okay with where they are, because a sold out life to the Lord is not a priority to them, and a mediocre CHRISTIAN life is satisfactory... so for them, my "Mr. Almost" was a "Mr. Right", and kudos to them.
But I have been hurt enough by people who didn't care about the spiritual side of me to know that that spiritual side, though it be the most hidden, most quiet, most unnoticed of them all... is the one that won't allow me to commit to someone who is "almost compatible" with me. And this isn't something I've realized all along, as I stated before. The truth is I would have been married to any and every one of these "Mr. Almost Right's" had I been granted my way. But the Lord who is rich in mercy so Graciously allowed my foolish heart to be shattered... time and time again... to keep me from destroying my own life in the wrong marriage.
I cannot express enough how grateful I am. How much Joy that gives me.
You'd have to experience what I did to understand, but it is something I thank the Lord for, literally, almost every single day.
I would have destroyed my own life. Married. Stuck. Permanent. No way out. Had I had my own way... had I been granted to follow through with what I had totally and completely purposed in my own personal will.
Now, they weren't all bad. Some potentials were wonderful, and I was just simply not attracted. One of them is still a bosom friend, another apologized for how he played with my feelings and is happily married to a godly girl. But none of them were for me.
Not them. Not yet.
Each one was a lesson though, as I'm sure, and trust the Lord that I was for them.
But the point here is, I have gone through phases.... at one time I assumed I was entitled to the perfect man and marriage of my dreams, and that this would show every hater I had how loved I was by God and how truly Holy Ghost filled I was. It seemed no question that God would give me the blessing of marriage and a picture perfect life in no time at all. I truly felt entitled, and years of it just not happening broke down that castle... and that part of my journey was probably the part most filled with depression and all that dreary stuff that is far below the Sea of the Lord's forgetfulness by now.
The next phase held a little more humility, but not nearly enough. I knew it wasn't going to happen on my time, so I prayed a bit more intently, but still in this way of pathetic desperation... and if I'm being honest, I felt fueled in my desire to be married by an, at that time, still unconquered demon of lust. Marriage seemed the easy way out when lustful desire hadn't been overcome in the heart yet, because it's a Christian free pass to be sexual and not in sin - it's all within the confines of marriage.
Just want to include a footnote here - We are ALL physical beings... and minus the few that have some spiritual gift of control over that carnal desire, it's in all of us, and if it weren't for that, I don't think very many of us would want or need to be married to begin with. But there is a difference between being a human being and being lustful. When needing sex and needing it "now" drives the pursuit of a wife or husband, versus the other innate desires I'll get into below, then there is a problem. There is a desire that isn't godly there masking itself behind a desire that is godly and Scriptural. Yes, the Bible says if we cannot contain we must get married because it is better to marry than to burn. But I have been down the immoral path.... and I have pity for anyone who has not met the God who has power of lust demons, but I have. It may take years, it may not come before some deep scars that may never go away in this life, but deliverance can and must come from any stronghold of lust. Don't carry that into marriage! It won't leave you once you can lay with your wife, because there will be one night that your spouse won't want to lay with you... then what? Grab your smartphone and find an outlet? Call that coworker who is so immoral they don't mind the fact that your married? Find some other way out of the billions that are out there to satisfy that urge? We cannot be unfair to our own spiritual conditions or to our future spouses by going into marriage before these things are conquered, not by our own selves, but by a Mighty Conqueror that can and will conquer it for any and every honest and truly repented heart!
Proceeding from that point (and I hope that was for someone)...
There was some transitional phase in there where I felt like marriage was either going to happen or it wasn't and I didn't search for answers or signs but left the thought and idea alone... it was pretty peaceful in some aspects, but really it was just a self-defense mechanism against the fact that I desired it but had really lost faith in it ever happening for me. It's just much easier to say you don't need something that you don't think will happen than it is to pray for it and it not come to pass.
So, in a nutshell, my faith was slim to none.
But fast forward... past the hardest season in my life to date, spiritual hardships that shattered me, knocked me to the ground, revealed to me how stubborn and resistant to the Lord I really had been all my life, humbled me, shamed me, knocked me down and lifted me up again, showed me how to be honest with myself, honest with Him, honest with others... and most importantly, taught me who I was and what I truly want for myself.
See, I have finally come to a point where I realize what relationship counselors, wise men, and preachers have been saying for years about this whole marriage thing - you can't join your life to someone else until you realize who you are and the value of who you are as an individual, and primarily, where you stand in Christ independent of anyone else's influence. There are just some things that you can't understand until life teaches them to you personally. Pain and heartbreak taught me what my parents' countless hours of lecture, and even what countless hours in church, never could. The Lord had to guide me through these lessons. And the one thing I know is that the more I learn, the more I realize that I know nothing at all.
5 years ago I could meet a nice husband-potential brother from church, and determine in a few days that I could "picture myself" with this person for the rest of my life. Today I realize that people disappoint you.... not maybe, not potentially, they just do... always, inevitably, eventually. And finding the right guy is about finding the one with compatible beliefs, morals, principles to your own so that the disappointment that WILL come is normal, managable enough to get through without filing for divorce, by prayer and with love for Christ primary and love for each other secondary... normal, and not tragic.
Today I see the value of trust, and of respect. The sad truth that 21 year old and still naive Danielle didn't (and JUST COULDN'T) realize is that people lie. Not maybe, not possibly, they just do... and it's Scriptural. No one is so perfect or so perfectly in love with anyone else that they will never do something disappointing or give that person a reason to mistrust them to some extent at some point in the relationship. No man on this earth embodies the life of Christ so perfectly that he will never make a mistake while in this flesh body.
If there is anything my mistakes have given me... it's Character.
Maybe for some people they build this differently than I do, but for me when I lack something in my spiritual life, making a mistake and going through the excruciating process of recovering from it tends to do it for me. It's taught me how to be humble, it's taught me how to respect others and appreciate true friendship, it's taught me how to pray, and probably the most outstanding thing it's taught me is that God's way is the best way... every time, without exception. A grand part of this lesson has been learning to obey Him... merely because my way way will only "Almost" work, every time.. while His is ALWAYS the right and perfect way.
So you see the trend..
We don't serve a God who is ALMOST faithful, whose ways ALMOST work.
It's an ALWAYS thing with Him, always. Always. ALWAYS.
It may take some ALMOST paths to realize that, but better "late" than never, I say.
I've never been blessed in the long run by ALMOST obeying Him... in fact, I have ALWAYS suffered some form of repercussions that I truly could not blame God for (although I did.. and payed for that too) due to not obeying Him one hundred percent from the start.
The point is, lessons learned have brought me here...
And now I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I serve a good God who loves me. Who loved me enough to let me make mistakes that bent me like a tree in Santa Ana winds, but didn't break my soul. That raged the seas of my life, filled my ship with water, broke my stubborn sails, but didn't take me under. I have scars for days.. but no broken limbs. I have tear stains, and still I have a smile. I have the knowledge of a Savior named Jesus Christ who is my friend, and the only faithful Man of every man I've met and surely ever will on the entire face of this planet Earth. He's the Only fully trustworthy person that lives, the only who understands me fully and completely for every weird and incomprehensible quirk that I still haven't figured out yet, who doesn't judge me, who does MORE than just let me be myself... He helps me to be better. Every day He talks to me and gives me attention, and even after I give Him the cold shoulder or don't make time for Him, He's still there. He doesn't give up on love. He believes in it, He isn't trying to get something out of you selfishly when He says He loves you. He means it, and He proves it. Every single day. He cares about EVERYTHING going on in my life, every day, even the dumb stuff that no one else even notices. He is literally always there to listen when there's a situation or some negative feelings. He not only knows what to say, but He knows how to fix every problem and literally makes me feel better. He protects me, He does stuff for me that I don't even realize half the time and doesn't even wait for me to ask for it. He is the most romantic and bestest, yes, BESTEST, friend on the entire planet and in the entire universe, and He is with me wherever I go, inseparable.
And that is what He showed me. My Jesus let me get soooooo disappointed in the men which I romanticized in my mind until I saw who the real lover of my soul is... and has now made sure His place in my heart is first.
It might not be the same for everyone, but He had to let me know that every man, woman, and thing will fail me... eventually, inevitably... to get me to understand that He never will.
And I am so grateful.
As my desire for a husband finally meets faith, I am so grateful to know in my heart that my husband is going to disappoint me, and WHEN He does I know my absolute is not in that man, it's in Jesus Christ. My husband will not lead me astray because my heart belongs to Christ and can never belong to a man, no matter how wonderful. In every trial, in tall the sickness and health, the rich and the poor, and until death do us part.. it's not the chemistry or romance with my husband that will help us to endure, it's the God that leads our hearts and binds our marriage that will get us through. Without Him it's nothing. It's nothing more than having a reproduction partner. It's void of meaning and shallow and carnal and superficial at best.
This is what life, as allowed by my Lord, has taught me.
All those insecurities have to shut up, because the Lord said WHATEVER I ask in His name believing He will grant me. He has been so gracious to provide the Rahabs and Hannahs and Ruths in the Bible to encourage me and my sisters, and give an example of faith to hold out in face of the doubts...
Yet even though I identify with Rahab, I am me. I am Danielle Santana, and I believe for my own testimony....
My journey isn't someone else's, and as I've told the Lord... I know I listen to Him and follow Him more now, but I don't need a trophy for doing the right thing. There's potentials that pop up, and just when the devil tells me there are no more guys out there, another one finds his way and throws his pitch. But God has taught me what to look for, and reveals to me what to let go of.
It can be summed up in one phrase:
A SEARCH FOR CHARACTER
An honest man. A real man. A Christian. A true friend. A man who wants to grow and isn't conformed to one spiritual condition, but seeking to rise to the next with a partner by his side. A man who can laugh when things are funny and take things seriously when the occasion calls for it, too. A man who calls black "black" and white "white". A man who doesn't care what my emotions say or how his attraction for me sways him, He puts God first before even me.. that's the kind of man I can agree to follow.
He doesn't have to be gorgeous. He just has to be attractive to me. And an honest smile is always the cutest smile. A hard working arm is always the most attractive arm. Humble and truthful eyes are always the prettiest ones.
I'm not gonna cry anymore. I'm not gonna beg. My Lord knows what I desire, and this journey He has taken me on has not been even the least bit in vain. I am so grateful for even the parts I don't understand yet.. because they have made me who I am.
I can literally point to traps the Lord let me walk right into... Red Seas that not only seemed impossible to surpass, but that He parted for me so He could get me across to where he wanted me AND so that he could consume the strongholds on my life with the waves in the process.
So.....
I won't settle for a man I have to beg to be born again.
I won't settle for a man who will merely accept my past.
I won't settle for a man who meets some requirements and not others.
If I could believe in a God that would break some of the demons and strongholds that have attacked my life, then I can believe in a God who can produce a man that is everything I pray for and also in love with me. Nothing is impossible for God, including giving little old me a husband .
The devil's days of robbing me of my blessing by paralyzing my ability to have faith in it are over... not numbered, OVER.
God has done the impossible for me already. He asks us to believe Him for a Rapture and a body change. I won't be found guilty of not even being able to believe Him for a husband. I will see greater things, not because I am greater, but because my faith in the all powerful God will allow Him to do what He has always been able and wanting to do in my life.
I don't care what the odds look like. I don't care if I have a list on my past as complicated and long as a Chemistry textbook, I don't care that by Message Christian social community standards I'm "getting old", I don't care that I don't see a good potential candidate for miles and miles, all I care is that I have faith that God can and that He will do it.
And yes, there are more important things. But this is important to me.
It's the desire of my heart, and I believe the Lord not only sees it, but has seen it evolving ever since I was old enough to think it, and before the foundation of the world... so He is here, and through much journeying, He has brought me to this point in my life where I not only know who I am in Him but also who I want to be with for the rest of my life on earth as I serve Him.
There is so much more I can say, like how I know I am not perfect and surely the Man of God the Lord chooses will have the same revelation that I do and realize this before going in. Also, how the Lord knows how long I can wait, am willing to wait, and can contain and persist in faith while waiting for His Answer.
God knows stuff about me that I still don't know, so the bottom line is He knows already...
I'm just barely catching up.
But, in all, this is the conglomeration of how my desire has met faith.
I believe that I am not just typing or talking to the wind. I'm speaking to a source of power that is currently, as we speak, as you read, right now, WORKING on the answer to this prayer... moving in that Man of God's life so perfectly, so smoothly, that in a moment very soon that neither he nor I nor anybody could have anticipated, we will cross paths in such a way that has the Lord Jesus Christ's signature all over it. He is writing this love story... I know this because I have written many, and each turned into a horror novel that the Lord had to rewrite to literally save my life. I've since thrown away my pen(and my pain)...
...and didn't even write this part - the whole "Desire meets Faith" thing - this is just a lyrical expression of what the Lord is currently writing in my heart, for my own memory's sake and hopefully for the benefit of another.
He's doing this.
I am literally at a point in my faith and revelation, not only on this, but on many things in the Lord, that I could have never even planned to get to on my own because I previously didn't even grasp that such places of spiritual insight and revelation existed. You can't intentionally travel to a place you don't know exists. That's how I know it's the Lord.. He knew what He wanted me to get to all along... and No, I wouldn't have chosen the roads that He did. I don't like looking down at scars when I look at myself.. but I will tell you one thing, I would rather have them there and see the lesson I learned behind each of them than walk around this life still ignorant, foolish, unfamiliar with the Mighty and Higher ways of the Lord, and still leading my own self with my own pathetic thinking towards all of the challenges that come up in life.
†
I want you to know, Jesus, that I don't blame you for a single thing. Even the pain from the traps you let me walk through. They were blessings that I wouldn't trade for anything in the entire world, and they needed to happen. I may hurt and I may cry a little, but I won't be disappointed for the "Mr. Almosts" that you've led or will lead me to let go of... because they only serve to remind me that those traits I search for do exist, and one day VERY SOON there will be a man who will possess all of them.. who will also see me as the woman who possesses all of his "Mrs. Right" traits.. and he will pursue with that Christ-like element to his character that cannot be denied.
I believe in You.
I believe You established the ways of Courtship to protect me, and others, and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that and get it right.
I'm sorry You had to watch me be hurt, and let me get burned, because I wouldn't listen to Your Word and stay away from the fires of things contrary to Your way.
I thank You for showing me who you are, through all of those times of pain.
I thank You for letting me get to know You in ways that I only could through times of disappointment and great sorrow.
I thank You most of all for letting me get so disappointed in myself until I learned that only You could be trusted out of everything else in this entire universe.
I am looking forward to seeing the fruits of what You are doing already in my life and my family's life, and my future family's life.
I believe You, not because it is easy to believe, but because it is impossible.
If it were visible, it wouldn't need to be believed to begin with... but it can't be seen, and quite frankly, it looks impossible to m... which I realize now gives me the opportunity to have faith in this, and FAITH is the one thing that, not can, but, WILL bring this to pass.
It's ALL for Your honor and glory.
As i am learning and growing more, my life will glorify You.
My marriage and my relationship with my husband will glorify You.
My children and how I raise them with my husband will glorify You.
My life will never not be spent in service to You, though I stumble and make mistakes, and fall short, it's still all for You and nothing will change that. Even my desire for a husband is ultimately for You.
I believe You ARE doing this for me right now.
This moment and these words are only a part of it.
Thank You for getting me to this point in my life.
I love You with all my heart, Lord.
I just thank You for all my life has been, is, and will be.
Bless every "Mr. Almost" at whatever point they are in their journeys, and please bless my "Mr. Right". I don't know where he is or where his heart is with all of this, but guide him to me, Lord. Help him to settle whatever is left to be settled by Your Holy Spirit in His life before he pursues the next best thing that You have for him.
I don't take this lightly, Lord.
It's very serious to me.. and yes, I am asking for someone I can laugh with and be my silly self with, but I am also asking You for someone that I can support who can also support me as we live through these closing hours of time. Surely You will grow and mature us spiritually and build even more character in our lives through the struggles we will face in marriage, together. Yet You are my God, and I recognize that You are Lord, You are the One to be praised and served and obeyed at all costs. You alone.
Thank You, Lord.
You are so good to me. You are just exponentially good.
I don't understand it all, but I know where I stand. And it's on You.
Plain and simple.
Be with him, father, as he deals with these things and the trials of life in his own way. Strengthen him, give him the desires of his hearts, the answer to his prayers and needs. Protect his family, and grant him any healing that is still needed.
I'll follow as You lead, like You did tonight, my sweet Jesus.
Thank You for being my friend and showing me what a real man is and what a real friend is by actually being one for me. You're the greatest, Lord. The one I sing to and write to.
I know I fail You. I know when that attraction comes, it's hard not to give that person all the time and attention, but know my heart, Lord. Search me and see that I love You and all that I ask is just out of confidence in Your Grace that You have allowed me to get to. I don't deserve to even be here, but You are so good that it's because of You to begin with that I have anything at all... And you say ask in faith and we SHALL receive. Not if, or maybe, or "Almost".
I could go on and on, Lord.
But You know what You're doing and I thank You for this one mighty thing...
FAITH.
I receive the answer to my prayers, the husband of my prayers, now, in JESUS CHRIST'S NAME...
AMEN.
- Memoirs of a Christian Woman
