Testimony

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I was born in a Christian home, my father a "take no mess" gospel preacher and my mother the sole embodiment of pure modesty and virtue. Needless to say, it was hard to get away with much.. but boy, did we manage.
          While my brother (5 years older) was out getting high and taking the party scene by storm only to come home to a Dad vs. Son cage fight.. I was taking notes on what NOT to do. Those few years before he officially moved out at 17 took a lot out of my parents, especially my dad. 
          
   But I didn't mind a bit.   While they were so distracted with trying to hold on to him as he slowly faded into the darkness, I remained unnoticed....  
                                                                                            and thus the devil's plan for my life began.

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Growing up I never knew what it was like to be around cursing, flirting, worldly music.. and to see it circulate around so freely! It was like a world undiscovered, a playground with games that stimulated every pleasurable part of my physical and emotional being.

          I knew what stuff was wrong. My father always kept us aware of things of the world. Through endless stories of his experiences, he made us understand time and time again that things like sex and drugs are indeed pleasures, are indeed everywhere, and that one day we will be faced with the decision to partake in them.. but with them comes a life of anxiety and a burden of guilt that only God can take away. 

          But somehow, all that wisdom I was given had a reverse affect. All the stories, instead of scaring me away from the sinful things, made them seem absolutely marvelous! All the advice made me feel like I could handle the world. Soon, though, I would see how the world had handled me.

Me then.

I like to think that I spent my early years "catching up" to the other kids. None of the other girls wore skirts, and nobody else cared about church.. but everyone seemed to have this mindset that I was never taught.

      I learned quickly, though. By the time I hit high school, I had created my own preferred identity- one that the church and my parents knew nothing about. One that lied, stole, cursed, lusted, and thought nothing of it. Nothing.

      To put it simply, I wanted nothing to do with God. At 15 I had already run away, but upon returning I considered it better to play by the rules at home so as to ensure a place to live until I got out of high school, unlike my brother.. But my heart was set. I was going to do whatever it took to be the girl that all the guys wanted and that all the other girls wanted to be around.

The "best part" was that I was invincible. I never got caught once, by anybody. I even used to claim that "I have no conscious". And it so happened that my religion was what got me the popularity I was after. I was the Crazy Christian Girl, and I wore the title with pride and the cutest pair of jeans I could hustle.

Now, I could go on and on with all the stories and memories....  like about the time I was        almost caught strolling the mall in barely enough clothes to fit in shoe box, hanging off the arm of some boy, and found myself hiding away in order to avoid my pastor and his wife heading in my direction... or countless other stories that at the time only gave me thrills and all the more motivation to devote myself to the worldliness... 

    But instead, I'll tell you the best story I have to tell... 

                     it's the one of how the Lord saved me from a world of guilt and life of condemnation - from a life headed down a path of sin and sorrow, which I thank God so much today that He didn't let me travel, understanding now that I might have never made it out.

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"..forty miles down into that great fault out yonder, one of these days, [the] waves 

will shoot plumb out to the state of Kentucky. and when it does, it'll shake the world 

so hard that everything on top of it will shake down."        

A Thinking Man's Filter, 1965, Rev. W. M. Branham

                                It happened Easter Sunday, 2010... the earthquake that shook my weary soul... and then banged it up against the walls of my hollow stony heart, forcing me to snap out of the spell.

        
        
         I was at a guy friend's house when it happened, and it was the biggest earthquake I had ever felt. I was so scared. Right away I was overcome with the sensation that my time had come- California was sinking, and I was going down with it. I froze... and looked at where I was at that very moment, in every sense.  The earth shook for about a minute, but this thought and its aftershocks haunted me for days.

         By my sophomore year in high school, I had already become a disgrace of a young woman. I was on the fast track.. and that moment was the first time I had paused long enough to realize that the devil was having his way with me, driving me in the direction of a life of vices, and when it all was said and done, I was going to be the one to lose.       

That whole week I tried, for the first time in my LIFE, to change my ways on my own.. but it's impossible to evict a legion of demons without a Mighty Hand. For some reason, I really felt like visiting a nearby church... I felt like an answer to the strange things I was feeling would be there. This proved to be God's doing because that week a brother from that church invited my family to a healing service that would be held on Saturday. I invited the boyfriend ("close friend" whom I was introducing to the Message, or so my parents believed). It was just him, me, and my mom that went to the service that night.... but in reality it was a looooong overdue appointment, just me and God.

"My Soul in Prison"
The last picture I drew before that
Saturday night service.

          The blood was running through my veins faster than I could move.. from the moment I stepped in the doors of the church it was as if the spirits inside were trembling with fear of having to leave their comfortable living quarters. I couldn't blame them, I was afraid too. Something was about to happen, and not knowing what was a very unsettling feeling. Yet worse was the fear of leaving that place without anything happening. 

I.. just.. couldn't.. leave.. the same as I walked in.

          The preaching began. It was all about faith for healing, trusting in God to finish the work... while all the while I was trembling more with every unexplainable tear that fell from my straining eyes, making my "close friend" in the seat next to me more confused than he'd probably ever been.
         My heart nearly stopped when I heard the preacher say he felt led by the Holy Spirit to speak about repentance. Repent. It was then                                                                           I knew what I needed to do.

 The prayer line started.. I was not the first in line. No..my limbs were numb, and I felt like holding onto the chair for dear life, and I kid you not - I held on to that chair with both hands and a tight grip. My mind went in a million directions. As I contemplated going up there, thoughts would come like "But what about the outfit you want to wear on Monday" and "You know you won't be able to do this, that anymore if God makes you all Christian"... then another thought replaced those.. 

"If God really is God, then He can change me, 

 make me so that I WON'T want that stuff anymore"...

       It was right then that God spoke. "Step into the prayer line, sister... This could be your last chance".  That was it for me. I shot right up! With every step that brought me closer to the front, I got more nervous. How can you blame me? I was meeting my Savior for the first, walking right up to my death, and spiritual Resurrection!

       The ministers laid their hands on me to pray. I can't tell you exactly what the brother said, although I do remember him saying that this would be a day that I would testify of for years to come. Now, if you don't believe in supernatural Pentecostal experiences then I hate to disappoint you here...

"Behold, I Stand At The Door And Knock"
The first picture I drew after that
Saturday night service.

But the Holy Ghost fell upon me right there, that night. I became weak.. my legs gave out, yet my whole body felt elevated like on a cloud. My chest burned..BAD. A very beautiful kind of bad though. My screams filled the room as the Holy Spirit freed me of my chains! All shame, all fear and embarrassment disappeared... and like the 120 that came down from the room that day, I staggered drunken in the Spirit. I felt a peace, a freedom so sweet.. a weight was lifted that I would have never even known I had until I experienced not having it for the first time. At that moment I couldn't have put it into words if I had tried, but I KNEW my life was changing FOREVER at that very moment!!!    (Acts 2, Hebrews 12:9)

       And it was nothing I did. After that, it was all God. I confessed to my parents all the things they never even imagined I was doing all along. At 1:00 AM that morning I shredded all my stolen clothes, jewelry, and filthy music CD's and threw them out.. I HATED them. I hated all the lies that people had been telling me that made me think I was so cool for doing all those evil things. Yet I loved all of them.. I wanted them to feel what I felt!

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            Since then it's been nothing less than a constant battle. I've fought depression, loneliness, struggles within the family, and so much more...    But I can say that winning my brother's soul from the grips of Satan and praying my mom to health and a full recovery after a deadly stroke are amongst the many victories God has already given me. 

           I'm still not what I want to be, or what I should be...     but I am not what I used to be, and as long as I can say that truthfully every day from her until forever, then I know that I am still on the Path God placed me on that day. 

And if you've ever denied that God knows exactly what He's doing, I think of this detail and it warms my heart...

         The church that I received my experience with the Lord at at is right across the street from a building I partied at with supposed friends the night I ran away from home and towards what I thought life was all about (fun, lust, and "carefree" sinning)....

Thank God I couldn't run away from Him though. 

Me now.

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away,  behold, all things have become new.

2 Corinthians 5:17