Warrior Child

Fellow Soldiers,

So, I was looking through some old journal entries, and dared peek in 

a journal I had kept back in 2013-2014 (a time during which I experienced 

the severest depression that I had ever known)....

and I came across a piece that felt like a memory box. 

Buried, meant to be discovered at a later time - Today! - 

and filled with ammunition... 

like the echo of a battle cry for the 

FIGHT! 

--------------------------------------------------------------

†

Saturday, April 6 2013

The new term I'm coining for myself. Everyday is a fight. Everyday. I read a quote today that said, "The world is all the hell that a true Christian is to ever endure, and it is all the Heaven that unbelievers shall ever enjoy". May I say, woah. I never quite saw it like that, so thank you Jonathon Edwards, whoever you are.

You know, pain, sadness, confusion and all that fun stuff has a way of amplifying time and vision to where all you see is the difficulty and all you feel is an unbearable endlessness. We use phrases like "It was the worst thing in the world" and "I can't take it".. but what are we really saying? It is unpleasant, sure, and we would rather not be suffering, of course, but what is victory then? By definition: An act of defeating an enemy or opponent in a battle, game, or other competition. So there is no victory.... without a battle. This is life for a Christian. Many men have done exceedingly brave and deathly things for riches and for trophys, but how far are we willing to go for the greatest prize that shall ever be? 

The world is constantly at war with us, with me. I can feel it pressing on me like a crowd of hungry zombies, and I the only blood pumping being walking. Every day is a fight. War in the mind. I promise, it's like when I sit still and listen to His voice within long enough I can hear Him crying, shouting, and begging with all He has for me to just trust Him! He's done so much for me, there is so much He's done to prove Himself, yet I am so stubborn to believe that He can turn me into something truly Holy. Yet still there is so much noise drowning Him out, Satan's distractions are banging on pots and pans in this house all day long... and He remains a whisper. 

I can't begin to explain the bliss I feel, though, when I let His Spirit warm me for a bit and that ever-present "SOMETHING" that He placed in my heart the first day I let Him in starts to jump. It starts to dance. It wants to move me, towards Him. Sometimes, even when I feel so hopeless in myself, that feeling comforts me... because I know that Something is alive in me. I know in those moments that I'm not dead inside, that I haven't destroyed It. Him. I can't keep cutting in on that dance. I want It to move. I want to move. Forward.

This life is a fight, every day. The problem is I don't always act like I'm at war. Those days go by like a breeze, until I feel the pierce of the arrows that were pointed at me all along, all the while I prancing around blindfolded by pretty lies that I chose to believe for a while. The fight only feels like one when you're actually fighting, but who wants to do that? No one, until you realize that it's Fight or Die.

I'm a Warrior Child.

Helpless, yet Capable because of Him. Powerless, yet valiant beyond measure because of Him. Incompetent, yet already promised victory because of Him.

Because of Him.

I'm a Warrior Child. This is a war, and the enemy hides behind friends, familiar faces, smiles, warm embraces. I can't keep storing away my Two-edged sword in a cupboard until service time. I can't keep blowing off training on the campground for sharing some good laughs with satan's mindless minions. I'm at war. 

I'm His child. My earthly father would die for me any day. But He already did. He is God! He made the devil. He can destroy him, and He will! He made him so that ALL THIS  could happen, and He could prove His love for me! He was thinking of me when He made the stars, and the ocean, and Adam and Eve. He thought of me when He was hanging on the Cross, when He was being slaughtered the way I should be. I would like to ask the Lord at what exact moment did He think of me. Was it when they were whipping his back, or his ribs? When they nailed His left hand, or was it His right? Was it when they were looking up at Him as He gasped for air? Was it right before He cried "Father, why hast thou forsaken me!?". Was it right before He said "It is done.". Did the thought of my face before Him motivate Him to keep going? I want to know. Better yet, I just want to hear Him say it.

I just want to fight for Him the  way He deserves to be fought for. Right now it seems like all I am fighting with is my self. I'm the enemy, and I often wonder if anything would actually keep me from literally killing myself if it weren't a sin. I'm a stubborn child, to both fathers. I can't give God a solid day... and He has ALREADY given me Eternity, before the foundation of the world to forever and ever. I can't say what, I still can't put it in words, but I want to change "it" because "it's" keeping me from being who I'm meant to be. Yet still I'm shopping and singing and wasting time when there is so much God left for me to let in. So much world left for me to let out.

I'll fight. I don't think God even expects us to be viscious warriors against the devil, stomping out any snare that we encounter, unafraid of any trial that comes. I think He just wants to see us display a genuine willingness to spiritually fight for Him to the death, a fearlessness sprouting forth for His love that we've come to trust in. I mean, honestly, with a simple point of His finger He can destroy any demon and certainly change any difficult situation. I think He just wants to see that willingness and trust, and the He'll swoop in and CONQUER ALL leaving us victorious just like He is so known to do. I want to experience that in my life, and begin to trust that process. 

I need Him so much. There is not a unit of measure big enough for that, none that I've yet found. At this point in my life, lagging is not an option because if I'm going to keep living as mediocre as I have been up until now, I might as well shower in vomit. I want to fight. I can't, I've cried myself out of moisture too many times, I've faceplanted too many times.. I have nothing left. But I'll fight. I'm His child. I'm a Warrior Child.

Warrior Child.