An ode to maturity, and a 'fare thee well' to the last bits of childhood that led me to this blog in the first place.....
Isn't it funny how our stories are endlessly being written.. how where we are now was never where we expected to be, and the things we held true for years, or even months, we know now were only preconceived ideas proven wrong by life.. and experience. A bunch of fact jargon simply to say.... we all grow up at some point.
I began this blog at the age of 18, all the wonder and naivety of a child bound in the body of an almost-woman, bursting at the seams, dreading captivity of her thoughts, and bleating to be let out into the vastness of the world. Considering it's been 2 years since my last entry, one could easily conclude that life indeed... happened.. for me. Where maturity was once a choice, it is now the only option - bills, break ups, regrets, and hard earned successes all sum up what has forced me to lose that sense of wonder and gain in its stead a strong sense of reality.
Yet do not weep for me. It's not an occasion to mourn, as somber as it may sound. No, I write this in a celebratory state of mind, happy and ever-so grateful for the adulthood that I know I have earned. Like a Girl Scout earns her badges, or a Soldier earns his medals of honor.. time, emotional blood, hypothetical sweat, and literal tears went into these past few years of my life, and I can now say that adulthood is far more than my age (23), but rather, my whole state of being.
A coming of age. A parting with childhood. A "thank you for the time we shared" to the helplessness, naivety, WONDER, and oftentimes self-pity that childhood was for me as it is for most.
I now understand that all of it, everything, LIFE and all that it is consists of choices we make, along with elements that are so incredibly out of our control, all blended together into one giant smoothie that makes up our time on this Earth... & we only get one shot at it.
Sitting and sulking when things go sour... characteristic of that child I today bid farewell. The following is rather corny, but quite frankly, I can't think of a better way to put it.... Life has given me my fair share of sour lemons (each their own sob story I'd rather not tell again), and there comes a time where you not only learn to just squeeze them into a glass, add some sugar, and make yourself a nice lemonade of recovery, but also to turn those sour lemons into a lemonade stand, a self-profiting business of motivation & SUCCESS, lessons of goodness you can share with others, all of which make you the unique and wonderful person that you are!
I'll be graduating with an AA in Early Childhood Education this semester, then on to a BA in Integrated Studies with an emphasis in Education - a licensed TK - 6th grade teacher by the age of 25. I've held two jobs for the past 4 years, successfully, and my relationship with my parents is stronger than ever (I hope to give them a better life than they gave me one day).
While my social circles abound with Cupids thinking their arrows are of any help to me, I remain single as they come and truly content despite it, choosing rather to be successful alone than married with problems like some many young Christian couples I see. That being said, I don't intend on becoming a cat lady and am open to a Mr. Right when the time calls for it... I just don't feel within me that that is on its way anytime soon, and the medal I carry with the most pride is the fact that I am actually okay with that. I am.. totally... okay.. with.. that. It may not make sense to anyone, but no one can take that away from me... I earned that badge.
Now my relationship with God... it's as strong as it has ever been, I could safely say. Much like a couple is stronger together after forces of infidelity, mistrust, abuse, chaos have threatened to tear them apart.. overcoming these obstacles strengthens the bond - that's how God and I have gotten closer, through these types of threats to our relationship. It's cost me much work to trust Him, to admit I need Him as much as I do, to admit my own insufficiency, and to finally be willing to die to the things that stand in the way of me now and who He wants me to become... to overcome my worst enemy, which is ultimately my own self.
Non-Bible readers won't get this, but His Word has remained the only source of light for me when I've danced in dark caves, drank the wine of pleasure, and stumbled over what used to be my consecration. Sometimes.. a single Scripture was all I had, and it has never failed to prove to be just enough, & just what I needed. From doing what I swore I'd never do again to writing my own will at age 22 begging God to take my life..
You don't have to get it. Or believe it. It didn't happen to you...
But it did make me who I am.. and I am grateful for every last second of my suffering. I wouldn't trade it for all the peaceful meadows and gentle breezes in the world.
I've come to realize that peaceful meadows and gentle breezes don't teach you how to pray until you break through quite like an inward tragedy can, or how to cry out to God in real desperation until He comes on the scene to truly change your life around, or how to be so deeply truly profoundly utterly grateful from the inside of the heart at a point beyond where any man could ever venture to explain. See, because it isn't until you wake up one time feeling unworthy for the sun to even shine on your face that you become truly grateful for the sunrise... And it isn't until you come to a place where you loathe your own existence, that you learn to thank God for a new opportunity at life every single morning.
I'm not endorsing depression, but if there is one thing that 23 years worth of meeting people and sharing meaningful conversations has taught me.. it's that we've all experienced depressing feelings at some point in our lives, and most of us have even thought suicide, even if only for a millisecond, at the lowest point of our darkest days. My own mother, my father, my brother, every last one of my friends.. they've all had their day of brawling with black shadows, and I think we ought all to take comfort in the fact that we are not alone (anyone reading this who is or has ever struggled with these thoughts, maybe not suicide, but maybe like me where you felt like your life isn't worth anything good anymore, no hope in getting better, better off if it were over... you are not alone) .
You're not alone.
The same God that took me and all those people I've spoken to out of that dark place can take you out of it too.
Why I went on an anti-depression rant, maybe someone needed to hear it. All I can say is the past few years have taught me more than any how-to book, journalism piece, or motivational speech ever could. A single word of experience from a life lived is worth more than a million words from a well-learned novice.
- I love my Bible, it's everything to me, because it's Christ in print form. May I never stay away from It for too long... always dwelling in its warmth. (August 2016)
- This Book - it's Author - is my best friend . When NO ONE understands me (which is often), & when no one's advice or comfort seems to make a dent in my problems, this WORD proves Itself to be a LIVING WORD. (September 2016)
- Can't try to kill the old man with a toothpick... it takes a SWORD! (No date)
- Sometimes God has to let you get so disappointed in yourself, until the only hope you have to make it is in Him. (No date)
- Trials of Life; Satan's schemes, temptations, falls, & devices, all are aimed to get us to get angry with God & not trust Him... but after all the trouble that not trusting Him gets us into, it's only God that we can trust to get us out! (No date)
- There's never any shame in asking God to help you love Him & His Word more.... it'll make all the difference! (March 2017)
...a few hard-learned truths. More in the making, I'm sure.
But, of course, that's life on this Earth under the dispensation of time that we have been called to live in - this intermission between the Eternity we came from and the Eternity we are going to - you live & you learn, and eventually you gather up enough lessons to realize that you don't know everything, which is okay. The greatest downfall comes when you are unwilling to learn, or lack the humility to let God or anyone else teach you. I could have avoided many a face plant, had I only listened. But as a child it takes that first scraped knee to begin to understand your limits as a human being. Spiritually, and emotionally, it's much the same thing. Now when Papa God says anything to me... I'll not only think twice about, but refrain from even testing the limits when it comes to God's Word. It's put in place for a reason...
And man... I could just write and write and write about all the hiccups I thought were stumbling blocks in the way of my success in life that were actually JUST WHAT I NEEDED to get to where I am today, financially, socially, academically, spiritually of course.. it's quite remarkable.
Moral of the story - do not be afraid to grow up, and do yourself a favor in trusting God. Lord help the fool who feels that their own success is better assured in their own fallible feeble human hands.
We are finite. We can't even foretell the next five minutes, quite frankly.... Yet we hold on to our 5-year plans like it's some holy sacrament. Which reminds me.. you live life long enough to where you begin to realize how a matter of 5 minutes can change the course of your entire lifetime and everything you ever expected or knew - an illness, a death in the family or that of a friend, physical or financial disaster, a change in circumstance, political changes, a relationship fail or even a relationship success(boyfriend, marriage, breakup, betrayal, etc.). The truth is we never know...
I take comfort in the fact that Brother Branham said to live like God's coming for His people tomorrow, but plan like He won't come for another 100 years.
So, with this I conclude my personal farewell to the childhood chapter of my life.... thanking you all for the time you have spent graciously reading my thoughts. I pray that the stories of my pain prevent even a millisecond of your own, and the Lord help us all to give Him so much more of our selves - our reasonable service (Romans 12:1).
Be blessed, & give God the Glory!
- Memoirs of a Christian Woman .
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